There\u2019s barely a person in the world who owns functional ears and isn\u2019t aware of the ongoing, years-long horror that is The 12 Days of Christmas, an upbeat dirge that tells the story of a late 1700s simp who apparently didn\u2019t get the memo about the $20 limit on gifts that year, and subsequently unloaded a barrage of impractical gifts on a woman he was trying very hard to impress.<\/p>\n
Think this gormless idiot<\/a> who dropped US$60,000 on an OnlyFans bimbo, except he\u2019s not a creepy lovesick crypto-tragic\u2026 but more of a top hats and afternoon tea \u2018may I have your daughter\u2019s hand in marriage\u2019 type of fella.<\/p>\n (Slight NSFW warning on that Twitter link, by the way\u2026)<\/p>\n The point is, our 12 Days of Christmas guy spent a s..tload \u2013\u00a0mostly on birds \u2013 which of course has invited many comparisons over the years. But I wanted to know what it would have looked like if he\u2019d applied his gift-giving logic to our beloved world of ASX Small Caps, and invested wisely on her behalf instead.<\/p>\n So\u2026 First of all, some ground rules. I am very well aware that the song \u201cstacks\u201d the gifts on a day-to-day basis, but I think it\u2019s pretty clear that old mate wasn\u2019t turning up each day with a new gift, plus another iteration of all of the previous days\u2019 gifts.<\/p>\n So there\u2019s to be no trickery around trying to figure out the total worth of 12 individual partridges plus accompanying pear trees. She gets one of each, and if she doesn\u2019t like it, stiff s..t.<\/p>\n Also, it\u2019s worth noting that the fella\u2019s Christmas list is extremely bird-heavy \u2013 so it\u2019s been necessary to draw a couple of unreasonably long bows. If you\u2019re unhappy with the result, kindly refer to my previous comments about receiving only one of each gift.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s begin\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cA partridge in a pear tree\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Leading out is the one everyone remembers, as it\u2019s a clear reference to Tasfoods (ASX:TFL)<\/strong><\/a>, which \u2013 just a week out from Christmas \u2013 announced that it had done its best to corner Tasmania\u2019s tree-heavy chicken market with the purchase of \u201cchicken broiler and breeder\u201d (but not necessarily in that order, I assume\u2026 and pray) Redbank Poultry.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cTwo Turtle Doves\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n This one\u2019s a bit of a stretch, but considering the idea that a turtledove is, effectively, some sort of hybrid avian with a hard, protective shell, it makes sense to surmise that AgTech pioneers Avecho (ASX:AVE)<\/strong><\/a> are the ones behind this hard-to-kill abomination. At least, I think<\/em> that\u2019s what the company does. I could be wrong, though\u2026 because I frequently make things up because I think they\u2019re funny.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cThree French Hens\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Inghams (ASX:ING)<\/strong><\/a>, step right up. Known throughout the land as purveyors of some of the best mechanically separated bird meat the Good Lord ever put breath into, of course that\u2019s where the French Hens are gonna come from. As an aside, I went to a fancy Sydney high school with a kid called Ingham \u2013 good guy, solid rugby player, folks donated a lot of dead birds to the Latham House chook raffle every year, weirdly enough. <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cFour Calling Birds\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Australia\u2019s favourite \u201cCalling Bird\u201d is, without doubt, our world-famous cockatoo, so it\u2019s off to the little-known Cockatoo Island off the Kimberley coast in WA, which is home to the always entertainingly mysterious Pearl Gull Iron (ASX:PLG)<\/strong><\/a> \u2013 a company that blips on my small caps radar every few months to remind me that it\u2019s reportedly sitting on a bunch<\/em> of iron ore, but hasn\u2019t managed to glom onto a mate with a big enough boat to move it yet.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cFive Golden Rings\u201d\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n The ASX is riddled with goldies, some of which have turned out some enormous gains this year. Obviously, our lovelorn young paramour would want to be spreading the love as far and wide as possible, so let\u2019s chalk each ring up to the five best performing goldies of the year\u2026 so let\u2019s call it Besra Gold (ASX:BEZ)<\/strong><\/a>, Strickland Metals (ASX:STK)<\/strong><\/a>, Turaco Gold (ASX:TCG)<\/strong><\/a>, Xanadu Mines (ASX:XAM)<\/strong><\/a>, and Southern Cross Gold (ASX:SXG)<\/strong><\/a> \u2013 at least one of which is on the list because it reminds me of learning to rollerskate in the late 1970s.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cSix Geese a-Laying\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s not hard to happen upon more than the occasional goose hanging around the ASX, but given this the the \u201claying\u201d kind of goose \u2013 as opposed to the \u201cI\u2019ll need a few more beers than that<\/em>\u201d kind \u2013 then this almost definitely refers to the most egg-related stock on the ASX\u2026 Enero Group (ASX:EGG)<\/strong><\/a>. Baddum-tish.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cSeven Swans a-Swimming\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Day seven, and our boy is still well and truly stuck in bird-land \u2013 this time graduating from geese to swans, obviously casting a now-weary eye towards Perth, the spiritual home of the Australian Resources sector and home to more small caps than anyone could reasonably shake a stick at without hurting themselves. For help picking this stock, I turned to the owner of Stockhead\u2019s steeliest gaze, Barry Fitzgerald, who most recently wrote about Ora Gold (ASX:OAU)<\/strong><\/a>, so\u2026 they\u2019re in the mix, too.<\/p>\n I dunno\u2026 swans, Perth? C\u2019mon, throw me a fricken\u2019 bone\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cEight Maids a-Milking\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Here\u2019s where we start to run into a bit of a legal grey area, because \u2013 during my research for this story I learned that it\u2019s 100% not okay to buy actual people, even if they\u2019re being used as gifts. That\u2019s according to the Australian Tax Office, and the United Nations. So, in the absence of sinking funds into purchasing eight women, let\u2019s do the next best thing, and buy a swag of Bubs Australia (ASX:BUB)<\/strong><\/a>, in honour of the milkiest Aussies I know.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cNine ladies dancing\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n In the absence of any actual dancing ladies on the ASX (certain hard-drinking members of the unruly mob at this year\u2019s Diggers conference notwithstanding), a search around the ASX turned up one prime candidate to meet this description\u2026 Balkan Mining and Minerals (ASX:BMM)<\/strong><\/a>, because it\u2019s currently (I hope) the owner of the Tango lithium project in Ontario, Canada, where all the cool kids are looking for lithium.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201c10 Lords a-Leaping\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n It was hard to nail this one down at first, but then I remembered a press release that landed on my desk earlier this month, that really put the \u201cleap\u201d into the notion of jumping before you get pushed. I don\u2019t know the specifics of why, nor am I going to hazard a guess, but CEO Jimmie Wong\u2019s abrupt departure from Credit Intelligence (ASX:CI1)<\/strong><\/a> (and all of its subsidiaries) on 14 December neatly negated the company\u2019s need to hold an extraordinary general meeting to have him removed. The Lord leaps in mysterious ways.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201c11 Pipers Piping\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n When I think Pipes, I think of the ASX\u2019s gassier members \u2013 and the one that immediately springs to mind is the confusingly-named Gold Hydrogen (ASX:GHY)<\/strong><\/a>, which earns its spot on the Christmas list through the simple expediency of having had a bonkers time on the bourse this year.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201c12 Drummers Drumming\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n And so we reach the end of our lovesick spendthrift\u2019s ASX shopping list, arriving at the noisiest of the entries. The only person I can think of off the top of my head that is even vaguely related to the ASX \u2013 and plays the drums \u2013 is former EML Payments (ASX:EML)<\/strong><\/a> CEO Tom Cragen, whose LinkedIn bio used to (quite famously) describe him as both a heavy metal fan, and a drummer. It also mentioned he knows Kung Fu, so I\u2019m not going to say too much more, but he seems like a nice enough fella, so hopefully he\u2019s unlikely to want to practice percussion on my face for this.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n According to those wags over at PNC Financial Services, to buy the actual 12 Days of Christmas list would apparently set you back US$46,729.86 in 2023 money, which sounds like a lot until you remember that \u2013 technically \u2013 you\u2019re going to end up trafficking at least<\/em> 50 people, and that kinda caper is not cheap.<\/p>\n That works out to a nice, round $69,504.98 of our puny Australian dollars, which we\u2019re going to have a crack at investing on behalf of the young lady we\u2019re attempting to woo\u2026<\/p>\n Of course, I have no idea what the future holds for any of the companies that made our 12 Days of Christmas list \u2013\u00a0so, I\u2019m going to cheat and pretend that ol\u2019 mate split the money up into 16 equal portions, and plonked it down on each of those companies at this point in 2022.<\/p>\n Has he banked a tidy sum with which to sweep her off her feet, or has he backed a pack of dogs that will see him in pauper jail by the time we\u2019re all singing Auld Lang Syne?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Which was better\u2026 a bunch of shares or way too many birds?<\/strong><\/p>\n WordPress Table Plugin<\/a><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Based on that list, and our boy\u2019s initial investment of $4,344 per company, it looks like he would have turned a half-decent profit, if he\u2019d used his noodle (and a time machine) to drop his 12 Days of Christmas money into a portfolio, rather than covering that poor woman\u2019s home in bird shit and bewildered slaves.<\/p>\n That $69,504.98 would have been worth a cool $86,886 and change \u2013 representing a solid 22.23% return on his investment, and all but guaranteeing he\u2019d remain her \u201ctrue love\u201d for at least another month or two.<\/p>\n So\u2026 the moral of the story is that it\u2019s far better to speculate on the market, than waste your time buying people and birds in order to impress a girl. The End.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n The post Stockhead presents\u2026 The 12 Days of ASXmas<\/a> appeared first on Stockhead<\/a>.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Here comes the maths<\/h2>\n
The 12 Days of ASXmas stocks<\/h2>\n